So after giving my dimpled ass a thorough inspection in the mirror this morning (and btw referring to your ass as "cute and dimpled" does not actually cover up the fact that it's sagging to the right and looks suspiciously like someone taped a cardboard box down there and wrote 'ass' on it) I've decided I need to get in shape.
Really, for a number of reasons: I'm over sucking my stomach in when sitting down, standing up, lying down, sleeping, unconscious from a head wound, or any other form of existing. I'm over avoiding wearing my skinny jeans on alternate days (or days that end in y or start in M, T, W, S or F) because I fear a fat guy in a little coat crotch tear situation. I'm tired of feeling my thighs jiggle every time I hop two stairs at a time. I'm tired of not being able to hop more then three stairs at a time for fear of total respiratory failure. Basically: I'd like to be comfortable. I'm not looking to be a size 4 here but a size 6 would be nice. And is not totally unreasonable considering my height and age.
Plus this way if I lose 10 pounds the next time I have my yearly exam I won't have to have the awkward jellyfish conversation with my doctor where she compliments my shoes and then tries to tell me all the benefits of this thing called a treadmill (and oh did you know that exercise is a good thing? I know you're not a doctor but I hear the news has been going around) and that maaaaybe taking vitamins for that obvious calcium deficiency would be good (in other words YOU NEED TO STEP OUTSIDE MORE THEN TWO MINUTES A MONTH, VAMPIRE). Pretty much I'd like to be able to quip back "Well actually I circuit train, do kickboxing, can run 20 miles in 10 minutes and by the way could bench press you and the four anorexic nurses in the waiting room without breaking a sweat. Oh and also, crocs went out like 2 years ago. Actually, they were never in. So why don't you step off me, and step into a shoe that doesn't have intentional holes in it? I hear it's unsanitary."
Then I imagine I'd make some crack about never getting skin cancer and having the skin of a baby eskimo when I'm 85. It's all very witty and sophisticated in my mind. Unfortunately, my mouth is hindered by the eight glazed donuts hanging out of it so I'll have to work around that before I can spout off witty retorts.
Anyway, the point is I've decided to lose weight. And document it here, for the world to see, support and mock my beautifully flat dimpled ass. I'm staring out slow: a few days on the treadmill jogging for 30 minutes followed by some squats and crunches. And who knows, maybe in a few weeks my ass will be as uplifted as my spirit.
(Or it'll be wallowing in the same alcoholic stupor as the rest of me) Here's to hoping!
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2 comments:
That's exactly how I feel, bb. And I've been doing that too-I just run on the treadmill (range: 3mi to 8 min tops, and that's sprinting for about a minute) every other day, doing "crunches" (really I just hold my stomach in/flex it for quite a long time) and about twenty to thirty push ups before I really do die of respiratory distress or cardiac arrest. :) glad we're suffering this torture together, lol. Makes me feel like I'm not the only girl in the world who's concerned about her waistline and that sagging flesh on her belly.
*g* I love how you wrote this. Good luck on this new endeavor hun!
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