Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I want candy bubble gum and taffy
Somehow, pineapple and grapes are not a fulfilling substitute for cookies.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
public announcement version one
I recently came across a link to my blog someone had posted on their site. And while I'm all for people reading, commenting and or linking to my writing or quoting me for whatever reason, I'm not all for people taking the point of this journal out of context. Or, also, being an inadvertent asshole about people's issues with their weight.
Now, let me first say this: I am 140 pounds, 5'3" and 23 years old. Medically, I am within my healthy weight standard for my height and age. I am also about 50 pounds under what would be considered medically obese. And while I'm flattered that someone took the time to read my blog and to write about it in their own, I'm frankly offended that someone would not take into consideration that just because someone has issues with their weight or that extra little jiggle on their thighs that might not exactly make them obese. And while I think obesity is an incredibly serious medical matter, I am in no way saying that I judge anyone who is, or who has been, obese.
Now here's my convoluted point: If you're going to quote someone, please try not to take their words or the point of their blog out of context. I'm not here to rally the cause for obesity or to say that over weight people have problems or that I have some kind of negative self image or even that I'm overly proud of the size I am. I think I could stand to lose a few pounds and I make no qualms about the fact that I don't hate my body. In fact I appreciate it and love it for existing. Cause you know, I kind of need it (fat and all) to survive.
What really pisses me off is someone referring to obesity as a problem (which it is) and in the same sentence saying that it's good to see fat women having a positive self image. And then following it up with "I'm not saying that I find it attractive, but if she does that's ok."
Look. I like my body. And while it may be dimpled around the edges or wobbly in places, I fucking respect it. I think sites like this that try to excuse discussing weight loss with being concerned about obesity and then in the same sentence referring to people who are "comfortable in their own skin" as "being ok" even though it's "unattractive" are frankly, fucking disgusting. Referring to me as "rather ordinary looking" and then immediately after "over-weight person" is contradictory and frankly, dumb. I don't mind people quoting me; hell, I could care less if you quote me and then call me a disgusting fat ass but at least be honest about your intent.
I'm in no way the champion for obesity or weight loss. I'm a 140 pounds and I've never weighed above or below it. I don't fluctuate and I don't have an eating disorder. While I'm in this to lose weight I'm also in this to stay healthy and to make the point that douche bags like this are the reason people have self image problems in the first place. It's never ok to passively agree that being ok with yourself is good but at the same time championing that it's unattractive. It's like standing in the middle of a gay club and saying "Aww look at all these gay people frolicking about, isn't that nice for them? But frankly it's disgusting and I think you're all going to hell. Ooh but I'm so glad you're comfortable in your own skin, how nice for you!" You just look like a two faced asshole.
Here's the deal: While it's nice to be quoted and to see that people are actually paying attention to what I write and that maybe out there in the world someone actually gives a damn, I do not want to be used for someone's jellyfish comments. If there's anything I hate more then pity it's someone's lame attempt at trying to be PC masquerading as sympathy.
Saying you respect over weight people for "being comfortable in their own skin" while at the same time amending that you think it's unattractive is frankly, a bigger load of shit then even my ass can carry.
Now, let me first say this: I am 140 pounds, 5'3" and 23 years old. Medically, I am within my healthy weight standard for my height and age. I am also about 50 pounds under what would be considered medically obese. And while I'm flattered that someone took the time to read my blog and to write about it in their own, I'm frankly offended that someone would not take into consideration that just because someone has issues with their weight or that extra little jiggle on their thighs that might not exactly make them obese. And while I think obesity is an incredibly serious medical matter, I am in no way saying that I judge anyone who is, or who has been, obese.
Now here's my convoluted point: If you're going to quote someone, please try not to take their words or the point of their blog out of context. I'm not here to rally the cause for obesity or to say that over weight people have problems or that I have some kind of negative self image or even that I'm overly proud of the size I am. I think I could stand to lose a few pounds and I make no qualms about the fact that I don't hate my body. In fact I appreciate it and love it for existing. Cause you know, I kind of need it (fat and all) to survive.
What really pisses me off is someone referring to obesity as a problem (which it is) and in the same sentence saying that it's good to see fat women having a positive self image. And then following it up with "I'm not saying that I find it attractive, but if she does that's ok."
Look. I like my body. And while it may be dimpled around the edges or wobbly in places, I fucking respect it. I think sites like this that try to excuse discussing weight loss with being concerned about obesity and then in the same sentence referring to people who are "comfortable in their own skin" as "being ok" even though it's "unattractive" are frankly, fucking disgusting. Referring to me as "rather ordinary looking" and then immediately after "over-weight person" is contradictory and frankly, dumb. I don't mind people quoting me; hell, I could care less if you quote me and then call me a disgusting fat ass but at least be honest about your intent.
I'm in no way the champion for obesity or weight loss. I'm a 140 pounds and I've never weighed above or below it. I don't fluctuate and I don't have an eating disorder. While I'm in this to lose weight I'm also in this to stay healthy and to make the point that douche bags like this are the reason people have self image problems in the first place. It's never ok to passively agree that being ok with yourself is good but at the same time championing that it's unattractive. It's like standing in the middle of a gay club and saying "Aww look at all these gay people frolicking about, isn't that nice for them? But frankly it's disgusting and I think you're all going to hell. Ooh but I'm so glad you're comfortable in your own skin, how nice for you!" You just look like a two faced asshole.
Here's the deal: While it's nice to be quoted and to see that people are actually paying attention to what I write and that maybe out there in the world someone actually gives a damn, I do not want to be used for someone's jellyfish comments. If there's anything I hate more then pity it's someone's lame attempt at trying to be PC masquerading as sympathy.
Saying you respect over weight people for "being comfortable in their own skin" while at the same time amending that you think it's unattractive is frankly, a bigger load of shit then even my ass can carry.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
maybe if i close my eyes i can pretend it's not happening - nope, still is
I hate that bikini shopping forces you to be positive about aspects of yourself that aren't the circumference of your thighs. Staring at myself in the hideous lighting and strange distorted around the edges mirror, I tried (in vain) to ignore the slight wobble in my inner thighs when I moved or the expanding top of the muffin creeping over the band of the lycra/spandex/crazy hybrid of unnatural bikini fabric at my hips. I tried instead to focus on how shiny my hair looked. How it was really sort of bouncy and light and really flattering against my skin tone. That my cheeks looked flush and that my shoulders were actually quite tan and ooh my boobs look fantastic in this ruffly bikini top.
Then I looked down again.
Then I wanted to hit something. And let me clarify straight out--I really don't have much of a problem with my body as a whole. Sure I could stand to lose some weight but I'm short and therefore realize that I carry a bit more weight around the bottom because let's face facts--I'm not exactly leggy. I wanted to hit something not because I'd gained a few pounds or never managed to lose those few pounds or hey sweet Christ is that cellulite?? but because year after year after year I get sucked into this same suck spiral of self doubt and thigh hatred by the bikini industry and their ridiculous sizing standards. I mean really. What's at all flattering about a tie at the side bikini with huge stripes across the width of the ass? No much, except now I look like a zebra rearing up in anger every time I bend over. And who the fuck wants to draw attention to their thighs except Mischa Barton who doesn't have them in the first place so why not draw the eye downward and just pretend they're there? Or put a strange metal band around the crotch region that just brings the whole mess of fabric down and makes it look like you have saggy business or got three pounds of beach sand lodged down there? It's ridiculous.
I always run into this problem in the dressing room and I know I'm not the only one. The tops are lovely, fitting in all the right places and flattering across my back and (frankly) perky and perfectly sized boobs (look, I get a few nice features to brag about ok?) So it's all fine and well until I try to find a bottom that goes with my size small top. Extra large? (Falls off the crotch) Large? (Hangs off the curve of my ass and shows everything) Medium? (Vacuum sealed is all I'm gonna say) Small? (Is this from the baby gap?!) It's degrading, to be honest. I ended up walking away with the perfect top and extremely sub-par bottoms because I figured I'd need them eventually if I ever had to come within four feet of water and didn't want to get my good white Hamptons-style capris wet and muddy. As is, it's a huge fat guy in a little coat situation and frankly, I'm too embarrassed to actually walk around in them. I should have just bought the top and left the bottoms, faking a "woops shrank in the wash" or "lost them moving" or "donated them to charity for people with freakishly small thighs and asses" excuse when asked. Anything except saying, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn that I've had one too many Boston Cream Pies in my day. I've enjoyed every last one of them and at least if I got hit by a car tonight I'd be safe in the knowledge that I've eaten every form of Chunky Monkey ice cream within a 200 mile radius and thus can die happy." Or maybe the padding in my thighs would expand supernaturally and save me from hitting the windshield ala air bag protection.
Instead I'm going to have to invest in one of those hideous beach sarongs that old ladies in Boca Raton wear to hide their spider veins. Can sarongs still be sexy? Can I wrap it around my lower half and let one short, stubby little leg hang out to maybe get some kind of action in the sun? The most annoying bit of this is that my legs are the one part of me I actually want to get some color. It's so fucking white down there it looks like I just escaped from prison where I was locked in solitary confinement for the past 8 years. I'll tell you what though--it's never been a challenge to find one of my veins at the doctors. That shit is out--loud and proud. Er well, loud anyway. Not so much proud.
So I guess I'm going to have to wear my really nice white capri shorts all weekend offset by my new amazing bikini top. And just hope no one ever needs to look at the skin past my knee ever again. Good thing I'm practically a nun.
And yes that is the only time you'll ever hear me say that. Thank you for asking.
Then I looked down again.
Then I wanted to hit something. And let me clarify straight out--I really don't have much of a problem with my body as a whole. Sure I could stand to lose some weight but I'm short and therefore realize that I carry a bit more weight around the bottom because let's face facts--I'm not exactly leggy. I wanted to hit something not because I'd gained a few pounds or never managed to lose those few pounds or hey sweet Christ is that cellulite?? but because year after year after year I get sucked into this same suck spiral of self doubt and thigh hatred by the bikini industry and their ridiculous sizing standards. I mean really. What's at all flattering about a tie at the side bikini with huge stripes across the width of the ass? No much, except now I look like a zebra rearing up in anger every time I bend over. And who the fuck wants to draw attention to their thighs except Mischa Barton who doesn't have them in the first place so why not draw the eye downward and just pretend they're there? Or put a strange metal band around the crotch region that just brings the whole mess of fabric down and makes it look like you have saggy business or got three pounds of beach sand lodged down there? It's ridiculous.
I always run into this problem in the dressing room and I know I'm not the only one. The tops are lovely, fitting in all the right places and flattering across my back and (frankly) perky and perfectly sized boobs (look, I get a few nice features to brag about ok?) So it's all fine and well until I try to find a bottom that goes with my size small top. Extra large? (Falls off the crotch) Large? (Hangs off the curve of my ass and shows everything) Medium? (Vacuum sealed is all I'm gonna say) Small? (Is this from the baby gap?!) It's degrading, to be honest. I ended up walking away with the perfect top and extremely sub-par bottoms because I figured I'd need them eventually if I ever had to come within four feet of water and didn't want to get my good white Hamptons-style capris wet and muddy. As is, it's a huge fat guy in a little coat situation and frankly, I'm too embarrassed to actually walk around in them. I should have just bought the top and left the bottoms, faking a "woops shrank in the wash" or "lost them moving" or "donated them to charity for people with freakishly small thighs and asses" excuse when asked. Anything except saying, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn that I've had one too many Boston Cream Pies in my day. I've enjoyed every last one of them and at least if I got hit by a car tonight I'd be safe in the knowledge that I've eaten every form of Chunky Monkey ice cream within a 200 mile radius and thus can die happy." Or maybe the padding in my thighs would expand supernaturally and save me from hitting the windshield ala air bag protection.
Instead I'm going to have to invest in one of those hideous beach sarongs that old ladies in Boca Raton wear to hide their spider veins. Can sarongs still be sexy? Can I wrap it around my lower half and let one short, stubby little leg hang out to maybe get some kind of action in the sun? The most annoying bit of this is that my legs are the one part of me I actually want to get some color. It's so fucking white down there it looks like I just escaped from prison where I was locked in solitary confinement for the past 8 years. I'll tell you what though--it's never been a challenge to find one of my veins at the doctors. That shit is out--loud and proud. Er well, loud anyway. Not so much proud.
So I guess I'm going to have to wear my really nice white capri shorts all weekend offset by my new amazing bikini top. And just hope no one ever needs to look at the skin past my knee ever again. Good thing I'm practically a nun.
And yes that is the only time you'll ever hear me say that. Thank you for asking.
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